Destroy All Humans: Conspiracy
by Jgheko Fett
Summary: As the 2000s come into view and the war on terrorism grows, Emperor Orthopox sends Crypto and four other Furons down to Earth to dimsantle a terrorist organization centered in Russia. Rated M for some scenes of gore and violence.
1. Terrorism

Part 1:Terrorism

It happened swiftly, but not smoothly. The building went up in flames, and, by the time the second plane came into view, was only visible from up high; the air filled with fire and opaque, dark smoke.

The Pentagon got the same treatment; another plane crashed nose-first right into the outer frame of the structure.

The Furon Osteoporosis, being in disguise as the president of the United States at the time, declared war on terrorism. After he told the populace that, Osteoporosis sent a message to Emperor Orthopox 15 of the Furon Empire.

"What happened?" Orthopox had asked.

"I'm away from here for two seconds…" Osteoporosis began. "And we get bombed or crashed into or whatever the - happened. We didn't get bombed once, no we didn't even get it twice… we got it three times."

The phone began to ring. Osteoporosis picked it up and answered only to hear about another crash.

"Look Pox, the plan isn't going to work out this decade. I have to go to war."

"With what?" Pox asked.

"With terrorists… scratch that. Not terrorists, genocidal freaks."

"Good luck with that," Pox said. "Maybe I can get some of the forces down there to aid you in a couple of years or so. We're still mopping up the last remnants of the rebellion."

Osteoporosis went to declare war on terrorism, just as Orthopox tried to locate the last remaining member of the rebellion.

7 years later (December 29, 2008)

Cryptosporidium 140 was not the best card player in the Proxima Centauri system, but Trisomy 13 seemed pretty close to the best that any Furon had ever seen. However, in the climax of the game, Orthopox managed to contact Crypto, who in turn, left Trisomy by himself. As Crypto entered the main hall of the Burning Star casino, he let Pox come back on the line.

"You know your playing blackjack with the last member of the rebellion, right?" Pox asked.

"Of course I did," Crypto said. "Just waiting for the right moment to fry him."

Crypto strolled back in, disintegrator ray in hand, and met Trisomy, who had brought a few guards to back him up.

"This is the end, sobaka," Trisomy said maliciously.

"You're at the end, Spandex," Crypto said. "H- you're so far at the end, you're falling off of the 3rd Ring."

"I can't wait to be sending your carcass out the airlock, Defender of the Emperor."

Trisomy backed away from the bullet storm that followed. Crypto destroyed every guard in the room quickly and looked around for Trisomy, who jabbed switchblade coated with a sedative into Crypto's leg.

2 hours later

When Crypto awoke, he saw darkness and only darkness. His eyes reflected this darkness until another pair reflected in his eyes.

Trisomy had a cerebral whip in his hands; it was the only light in the room. Crypto tried to move, but found that his limbs were strapped to the wall as Trisomy moved closer.

"I must say," Trisomy said, "I thought you would be more of a match."

Trisomy brought the cerebral whip above his head and readied it into a swinging position. However, he promptly brought it to a stop when a guard fell over, growling in pain.

Trisomy looked to his left and saw the door to the room had been blown off its hinges.

"I swear to Arkvoodle," Trisomy said, "if you let that - in here I am going plunge a bullet so far up your gluteal regions that you'll feel like you just got an anal probe sent up your digestive tract. But, I'll save that for later, all right? Good day."

Trisomy then got one of his own sedatives shot into his neck. Crypto managed to wriggle his arms free and used them to free his legs. It was then that he realized he had been chained to the wall.

"Primitive, but effective," a voice said behind Crypto. He turned around to see Neuroblastoma.

"Let me guess," she said, "That was part of your plan, right?"

"Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't," Crypto replied.

As they walked out, Trisomy regained consciousness.

"That sobaka… she shot me. With my own sedative."

He walked out and fired a couple of shots at Crypto, who drew his gun. They both exchanged fire, until Neuroblastoma's shot caught Trisomy off guard. He fell on the ground, where Crypto sent him flying out of the airlock.

"Do you think he's gone this time?" Crypto asked.

"I don't know," Neuroblastoma replied. "He's most likely not."

"I'm gonna trust you with that because he's coming back."

Sure enough, Trisomy burst back through the window and tried to make his way to a nearby gun. This time, he was quickly dispatched. Crypto and Neuroblastoma walked out of the casino and headed back to Gorta.

Roll Title Credits

End of Chapter 1 Part 1: Terrorism

Next: Chapter 1 Part 2: Tourist Murders

Note: For more info on Trisomy and what happens after this chapter, view Neuralgias's Rebellion Chapter 3: Reincarnation


	2. Tourist Murders: Dreadlock

Helicobacter enjoyed moments where he could get some time off from being an agent of Orthopox 15 and just think about a new weapon or a new song or something along the lines of that. However, the thoughts of what Orthopox had said back in 2001 meant that sometime in the future, he, Crypto, Neuroblastoma, and Hyperplasia, and maybe even Pox would go back to Earth.

Back in the 60s, Helicobacter was one of the most well known cloners of all time. His rival was none other than the now-popular Endometriosis. Helicobacter was hired by Emperor Meningitis in the 70s to clone Nexosporidium Warriors that would serve as guards. However the Red Scare project was the only document Helicobacter never controlled.

Helicobacter looked out of a view port window to see the approaching shape and luminescent lights of Crypto's saucer. Helicobacter got up and went to the palace's front gates.

Crypto docked and left his saucer, followed by Neuroblastoma.

"I thought you were dealing with Spandex," Helicobacter said to Crypto.

"Taken care of," Crypto replied. "Poxy said he had something to say. Is that right?"

"Oh yeah," Helicobacter said sheepishly. "It's real important."

Orthopox walked out of the palace and approached Crypto.

"We were going to have this meeting in the conference hall but the High Admirals think differently," Pox said. "I need you to go down to Earth and stop a new terrorist group called UCTOFSAAW."

"Poxy," Crypto said, "are you sure you got the name right? I mean the last time we checked it was al Quaeda or the Talibann or something like that."

"No I'm positive it's UCTOFSAAW," Pox said. "Maybe this encoded message that I got today can help."

"I think we've left the humans alone for too long," Neuroblastoma said before the recording started.

"Agreed," Crypto and Pox replied.

`The recording began to play: "Greetings, Furons. I am Stephan Kikhovsky, leader of the science ad technology division in Russia. I have sent this message to inform you about the terrorist group UCTOFSAAW, which stands for United Countries formed To Obliterate Furons and Spread Anarchy Across the World. Now that Comrade Orthopox has been kind enough to show you and decode this cryptic message, I shall give you your first target. But I must warn you; if you actually beat him, I'm going to have to hunt you down."

"Here he is," the recording continued. "Dreadlock: A Jamaican Drug Lord who makes up our money and financial areas of UCTOFSAAW. Let your hunt begin. I can't wait to see your heads lining the UCTOFSAAW trophy wall."

"That was nice," Helicobacter said.

"I guess you've got to go destroy some more humans then?" Pox asked.

"He's going to hunt us down," Crypto said. "Bah! We're going to bring that entire organization to its knees."

"Get down to Earth show the terrorists that they have brought massive h-ll upon themselves," Pox said.

"With pleasure," Crypto replied.

As Crypto's saucer entered Earth's atmosphere, it spiraled out of control. It crash-landed in Jamaica, not far off the landing beacon Pox had projected earlier. It was yet another prototype down the drain, but it would suffice. Crypto and his allies managed to make their way out of the crash site and get into a nearby town stealthily.

Crypto body snatched a tourist and made his way up to one of the locals.

"Do you know anything about Dreadlock?" Crypto asked, trying to sound like a convincing human.

"What?" The local asked. "You want me to give you some?"

"No. I want to know about a terrorist here named

Dreadlock."

"Oh," the local replied. "Monty."

The local pointed to a mansion on a cliff not far away.

"That's where you'll find him. Now go Mon, I got a business to run."

"A terrorist, in a mansion?" Helicobacter said sarcastically. "That's a little awkward, don't you think?"

"I don't know," Crypto replied. "I'm just going to get up there and kick the crap out of him. One of the locals told me he was a drug lord who works with terrorists. No wonder Kikhovsky is giving us a perfect headshot on this guy."

Crypto ventured up the cliff and into the mansion. It wasn't guarded.

"This can't be good_,_"Crypto thought.

That's when the intercom buzzed on…

"Greetings, intruder," a booming voice sounded through the crackling speakers. Crypto sensed a malevolent presence coming from the voice; it had to be Dreadlock.

"Yeah, I have been anticipating this for about four days, but first things first…" Crypto began to think up some things to pass the time, but the floor slid out from underneath him.

"It is a pity that you must die here," Dreadlock's voice boomed again through the speakers. "Now I will send you on the nightmare machine, or rather, pit."

"That doesn't even make any sense," Crypto said.

A large door clanged open as Crypto finished his sentence. He turned around and watched as a horribly grotesque beast came out.

"Mutated spiders," Crypto muttered. "A classic."

Crypto's commlink buzzed as Helicobacter began to contact him.

"What the heck do you mean "a classic"?" Helicobacter asked frantically. "It's a giant mutated thing that looks like it was cross-replicated with a crab or a lobster or another crustacean! Get out of there!"

"When do you ever shut up?" Crypto said as the mutated thing rolled in his direction.

The thing looked at Crypto's face; Crypto stared back, his gun pointed at its saliva-dripping maw. It lunged a massive claw at Crypto, who swiftly dodged it. Crypto fired disintegrator bolts in the thing's face. The creature writhed in pain, fell on its back, and allowed Crypto to plunge the scimitar on the wall into its neck, and drag it through the remainder of its body. With that, Crypto blasted the corpse into oblivion.

Dreadlock's voice came back on the speakers. He was infuriated with the death of the beast.

"You… you killed it. I'm on the top floor, come and find me. It will be your demise."

"Fine by me," Crypto said back. "By the way, nice scimitar collection. Too bad the solid gold one is stained with blood. Oh, and melted."

With that, Crypto flew up to the top floor of the mansion. He knew Dreadlock was waiting. Once there, Crypto saw Dreadlock facing a power generator.

Crypto thought, "This is going to be short."


	3. Chains of Glory

Name: Monty "Dreadlock" Havana

Alias: Claymore, Dreadlock, Dreads

Ht: 6'4''

Favorite Weapons: SPAS 12, Chainblades

"So," Dreadlock's voice echoed throughout the chamber as he spoke. Crypto readied himself for any quick surprises.

"The spandex-suited warrior braved my magnificent war-beast and destroyed my guards on the way up to the floor. Hmm, most interesting." Dreadlock began to stroke his fingers over his beard. Without warning, he pulled the SPAS 12 off the weapons rack next to him and fired at Crypto, who jumped out of the way to barely avoid the shot.

"This guy's high on his own crap," Crypto muttered. "Sooner or later he's going to blast that generator and blow us down to Dodecalypse!"

Crypto was hiding behind one of the many support pillars in the chamber, and he knew that if the generator blew, everyone in here would die a few moments later. Unless it was disabled in a more mundane fashion…

Dreadlock fired his entire clip at every support pillar in the room, wasting seven shots; only one had broken. Dreadlock reloaded the gun and began to pace around the room to try and find Crypto. Finally, Dreadlock's back was turned, so Crypto burst from his hiding place and used psychokinesis to slam Dreadlock into a wall, crushing the gun.

Dreadlock recovered and lunged a pair of knives chained to his arms at Crypto.

"Chainblades…" Crypto muttered. "There's only one thing to do when these things come into play."

Crypto trailed off and saw the next blade coming. He sent it hurtling back at its owner. The blade went straight through Dreadlock's hand.

The terrorist fell to his knees, clutching his bloodied hand, writhing in agony as blood splattered the ground beneath him. Blood constantly gushed onto his other hand. Crypto managed to slam Dreadlock into the reactor, where the screaming terrorist was torn apart by the electrical currents. Two chainblades and a severed hand fell out.

The alarm soon began to flare a message reciting "Nuclear Meltdown Imminent" several times throughout the empty complex.

Outside…

"Okay," Helicobacter said. "Cut a hole through the wall. That place is about to blow apart!"

The death ray appeared out of the front of the scout ship. A bright orange beam seared out of the projector and moved in an elliptical pattern. A large chunk of the mansion's outer wall fell to the ground below as Crypto jumped out and landed on top of the scout ship. He opened the hatch and fell inside, where he was approached by Helicobacter.

"Where's the terrorist?" Helicobacter said. "Was killing him really necessary?"

"Why would you ask that?" Crypto dismissed the question as being purely rhetorical as he replied.

"So what do you think of the new ship," Helicobacter asked, obviously changing the subject to prevent more stupid questions from slipping out.

"It's better than the old one at least," Crypto replied. "At least the death ray isn't stuck in one place on this one. Who's our next target?"

"Kwi Zakolovsky," Helicobacter answered. "He's part of the "mop up the defectors" campaign created by UCTOFSAAW in 2003 and controls Bosnia and Herzegovina. Not an easy catch if you ask me."

"Tell Hyperplasia to set a course for Bosnia," Crypto replied as he walked toward his private sanctum. "We'll make sure we have this terrorist's head on a stick."

"Whatever you say, Crypto."


End file.
